My Top 10 Favorite Cereals!
It’s time this website got serious, and I can think of no more serious a topic than listing my top 10 favorite cereals (in all honesty, I really can’t … Does this make me a bad person?) From the ridiculously sugary to the moderately sugary — from the kind that crackles and pops in your milk to the kind that stays crunchy in your stomach acid — I present to you my top ten cereals. I’d like you all to keep in mind that this is only a list of current cereals. This isn’t a nostalgic trip down memory lane, it is about helping hungry boys and girls in Africa and around the world who don’t know what cereal to eat. So, with fake humility, I present my list of favorite cereals:
10. Cocoa Puffs — First of all, I’d like to point out that I accidentally wrote “Cocoa Puss,” which I would still probably eat, but not for breakfast. Anyway, Cocoa Puffs is an old favorite. Chocolate flavored puffed corn that turns milk into chocolate milk faster than … uhhh … the Flash eating a turkey sandwich on a blimp (I can write for the Family Guy!). It’s simple — no marshmallows, no shapes, no colors — just chocolate breakfast balls! Yum!
9. Cracklin’ Oat Bran — My first supposedly good-for-you cereal on the list, Cracklin’ Oat Bran is basically extra crunchy, extra dense, extra sweet hexagonal pieces of granola bars. They have a special place in my memory, because whenever I had them in my house as a kid, my dad would get a marker and rewrite the package as “Cracklin’ Goat Brains.” In fact, I noticed it was in my house about a year ago and found he did the exact same thing, without there being kids in the house… I’d get it more myself, but it’s never freakin’ on sale!
8. Count Chocula/Frankenberry/Boo Berry — Like Cadbury Creme Eggs, these suckers only get released once a year, and when they do, I flip out like a … frog prince at a … sweet sixteen party(?). Anyway, they are uber-sugary, contain marshmallow shapes and have effeminate monsters on the box (which, in my mind, is even more scary). Frankenberries get extra points for being fluorescent pink that probably glows in the dark and may be used as a radioactive dye.
7. Golden Crisp — Sometimes, I get a craving for this cereal like I crave few other things (and yes, that includes friendship and love). This is probably the reason why (according to wikipedia): “In a 2008 comparison of the nutritional value of 27 cereals, U.S. magazine Consumer Reports found that Golden Crisp and Kellogg’s Honey Smacks were the two brands with the highest sugar content—more than 50 percent (by weight)—commenting that one serving of this or other high-sugar cereals contained at least as much sugar “as there is in a glazed doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts”.” That combined with the absolute coolest mascot for anything ever (Sugar Bear) makes me wonder why it’s only # 7 on this list …
6. Special K Vanilla Almond- Another “good-for-you” cereal. I discovered it only in the last few months, and I really like it. In fact, I didn’t notice just how much I liked it until I noticed that an entire box had gone in my belly in about a day. It’s not crazy sweet like the others on my list, but it’s definitely sweet enough to satisfy me … which, now that I think about it, probably does mean that it’s crazy sweet …
5. Fruity Pebbles — Delicious, multi-colored pieces of flaky detritus. Mmm! This is what I imagine God’s dandruff to be like — if God had dandruff/if God existed. Next!
4. Lucky Charms — I know Wikipedia says that Golden Crisp is the sugariest cereal out there, but I just don’t see how it is sweeter than Lucky Charms. This is, in my estimation, the most ridiculously jam-packed with sugar cereal out there. I likes my sweets, and this is the only cereal to ever give me an actual sugar-high overdose (this is when I can’t stop giggling and eventually pass out in a puddle of my own giggle juices). Sugar glazed pieces of cardboard-looking bits that look like those symbols on top of the number keys on your computer (&, #, @, *, !) and a million zillion different marshmallows that are decades beyond other cereal brands in terms of marshmallow technology. Some have multiple colors. Some reveal hidden messages in milk. Some tell you to kill your family. All are delicious (especially the blue diamonds!).
3. Crispix — I love Crispix. I have no idea why, seeing as how it’s not sweet, has no cartoon spokesperson (Slugmo, the hairy Crispix slug!(he was dropped on carpet as a kid)) and is not particularly exciting in any way. I guess it’s just the cereal that I would choose to ease my way into a bleary, barely-conscious morning, as opposed to atomize it with sugar explosions. Not to say that I don’t like to atomize my mornings …
2. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios — I know some of you won’t even consider this in the top two Cheerio flavors, but hear me out! Apple Cinnamon Cheerios rock. They are sweet, slightly tangy and almost good for you. Yes, Frosted Cheerios are good, but I feel like they are basically circular Lucky Charms bits without the marshmallows. Honey Nut Cheerios are too maple syrupy. Multigrain Cheerios suck (the brown ones taste like they burnt ’em). Regular Cheerios are only to be eaten when you feel too guilty about gorging on good cereals. Also, as opposed to cereals like Golden Crisp or Lucky Charms, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are not so sweet that the thought of eating the whole box in a sitting doesn’t make me a little sick in my stomach (in happiness). It’s the perfect gorging cereal.
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch — This is the greatest cereal. I’m almost certain that this is a scientific fact. They are like a box of little, square orgasms (aaaaand there we go. I ruined them for everyone, including myself). I …uhhh … sorry. I guess I’m a jerk …
4 thoughts on “My Top 10 Favoritest Cereals!”
While we do live in the same universe, I’m not sure our cereal preferences can peacefully co-exist on this planet.
I can’t consider myself quite the expert that you are, but a man who doesn’t even have Golden Graham’s in his top ten is just speaking Esperanto to me.
Let’s just agree to agree on Fruity Pebbles / Fruity God Dandruff.
And I do think this topic is of extreme importance. By our discourse alone we have saved the lives of dozens.
Look! I posted a comment!
And — what? No Frosted Flakes? Are you TOO good for Frosted Flakes?
I knew this post would be controversial, but I didn’t realize how much of a powder keg it would be. Two posts! Wow. Anyway, like Ed said, even if your favorite cereals are different than mine, we can live in peace and even share a box in harmony — because we’re all cereal-eaters here. It’s those oatmeal-eaters that I don’t like…
This reminds me of some serious muckraking journalism from the Hudson Reporter about a bond trader who lost his job in the Wall Street crash and then used his open schedule to write a book about eating copious amounts of 90 kinds of cereal. http://hudsonreporter.com/view/full_story/13412186/article-90-boxes-of-cereal—Hoboken-man-writes-humorous-book-about-cereal–pop-culture-?instance=secondary_stories_left_column